What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.

The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around.

Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.