We've been on a long break and I've just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, and on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.

Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts.