We've been on a long break and I've just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

Look, I have never made a secret of the fact that I have tried marijuana... About 50,000 times.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.

New Rule: The rest of the world can go back to being completely jealous of America. Our majority white country just freely elected a black president, something no other democracy has ever done. Take that Canada! Where's your nubian warrior president? Your head of state is a boring white dude named Steven Harper, and mine is a kick-ass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama!

You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith…, that makes you a schizophrenic.

New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.