I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

I hear this all the time: 'Obama's policies aren't working.' He hasn't been allowed to put his policies into place.

Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.

If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns.

Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out?

The Hollywood executives are, like, ‘We’re not racist, we just have to pretend to be racists because we’re capitalists. We want to sell our movies in China (and) they don’t like Kevin Hart.’