If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!

When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why the women got pregnant. [Laughs.] They needed stories to answer the questions.

Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.

Edward Snowden gave a little press conference today. He is apparently seeking temporary asylum in Russia. Because, you know, when you're tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin's Russia is definitely the place you want to go.