The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.

I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.

When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty."

Religion is insanity by consensus.