I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it?

When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they'd said or did when they were in office.

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.

Well, that's exactly the wrong attitude. That is not the attitude they had in World War II. You're attitude is that freedom means you can do whatever you want whenever you want it. And that sacrifice is somehow un-American. [...] But the idea that we should also be defensive about our flaws and our weaknesses and our vulnerabilities is ridiculous.

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass...and, by god, today they went in and looked for it... They didn't find it. So now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "success" in the same sentence.