I feel like I'm wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.

One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it's all fun.

If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.

You're not a patriot unless even when you lose, it's still your country.

Rick Santorum doesn't like sex. He doesn't like the pill. He really doesn't like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there...it can make it anywhere!'