Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.

People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They're DEFINITELY GAY!!

Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.

You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.

Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there's a few turds in the box.

Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.

There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.