This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren't laughing and you're broke. That's a really hard time in your life.

Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction- and that's what global warming is- in order to protect oil company profits, well, that fits for me the definition of treason.

I'm a pessimist by nature. A pot head, but a pessimist.

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Why is the AMA for 'Obamacare'? If this is going to hurt doctors, why are they for 'Obamacare'?