This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.

One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it's all fun.

I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

This is why rational people - anti-religionists - must end their timidity and come out of their closet and assert themselves.

It's a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who's got shrapnel still in his body, as Chuck Hagel does.