Why can't God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil? It's the same reason the comic book character can't get rid of his nemesis; then there's no story.

As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.

Every asshole who ever chanted 'Drill baby drill' should have to report to the Gulf coast today for cleanup duty.

Americans are used to being pandered to and spoon-fed everything. In a culture that needs caffeine-free cherry chocolate diet Coke, you'd best deliver information with entertainment.

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.