The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary, because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann.

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.

We've been on a long break and I've just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

I just don't think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.