Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.'

It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.

People on the right say to people like me, Oh, you hate America. And I always say, No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it. If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.

When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty."

The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity - mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism - mumbling to the wall, Islam - mumbling to the floor.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.