But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of?

It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan.

To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't be destroyed, then implant one in your uterus and bring it to term. That's right, put your cervix where your mouth is.

To me, being brave is an element that is so important with stand-up comedy. It's not essential. There are many comics who were just funny, and that's fine, too. But that's never been what I was trying to do in comedy. I was always trying to do something that involved not pandering to the audience.

So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.

Conservatives claim [Hillary] Clinton campaign involved in satanic 'spirit cooking'.