Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights.
Bill MaherSarah Palin's whole family got into a drunken public fistfight. Something police are calling a 'tragic case of trash-on-trash violence.'
Bill MaherI couldn't run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me?
Bill Maher