I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.

Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?

There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.

What a day for the Tea Party people. Did you see that? America's parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down, but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally.

Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.

Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid.