Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, 'It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.'

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

I love trains. It's the only way to travel anymore where it doesn't involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh.

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.