New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we're not united as a country.

I was out at the HBO party, these are liberals, I imagine, and a lot of people came up to me and said, "Keep giving it to the president."

One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it's all fun.

No politician is perfect. But in every election in your life, there will be one choice that is better than the others. Go out and vote for that one.

The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: At some point, a pit bull does stop whining.

The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore.