The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?

I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I've only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it.

You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people.

What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter.

First they didn't believe in evolution. Then they didn't believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call 'the moron trifecta.'

New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.

You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.