Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out?

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: At some point, a pit bull does stop whining.

This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.

Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.