If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns.

To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you're a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven - that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.

I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'

I was watching Ashlee Simpson on Jay's show last night... She was really singing, and I was saying, 'Bring back the lip synch'... And it struck me that Ashlee Simpson is a lot like George Bush - because she wouldn't even really be in the big leagues if it wasn't for family connections, and she's in way over her head. And she doesn't know what to do. And she blamed her band.

What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can't vote.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.