People are either good or they're not. Religion doesn't make anybody good, I don't think.

Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.

People say to me all the time, "I get my news from your show." And that isn't the way they should get their news. But the choice is not between getting their news the right way and getting their news from my show. The choice is that they won't get any at all unless you give it to them in an entertaining package.

I hear this all the time: 'Obama's policies aren't working.' He hasn't been allowed to put his policies into place.

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly.