My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.

you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.

What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at? I mean, besides Chris Christie.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

I don't say that I'm an atheist. I don't like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don't know. And if you don't know - and you don't - just man up and say you don't know. Don't turn to silly stories and ancient myths.