The atheists traditionally hold their conventions from Good Friday to Easter Sunday during the hours Christ spent in the grave.

Its Christmas Eve! Its the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.

I think that the online world has actually brought books back. People are reading because they're reading the damn screen. That's more reading than people used to do.

I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get that day over and over and over?

Golf was my first glimpse of comedy. I was a caddy when I was a kid. I was on the golf course rather than being in lessons, but I can play better now than I could then.

I don't answer fan mail. I don't have time for that. It's like hundreds of thousands of people who think they're going to become millionaires getting autographs from movie actors. I don't have time for those idiots. I've got stuff to do.

Here's the thing, you just have to drive a lot faster, and if you don't get there, we're both fired.