If you walk up to some random person on the street, grab them by the shoulder, and say 'Did you just see what I saw?!', you'll find that no-one wants to talk to you.

Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.

I met a woman who photographed celebrity dogs for a book, and she told me that Ralph Lauren's dog is named Rugby. I said, Yeah, but his real name is Stickball.

Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it's usually something unusual.

I’ve killed myself so many times, I don’t even exist anymore.

Here's the thing, you just have to drive a lot faster, and if you don't get there, we're both fired.

I'm a nut, but not just a nut.