Buddy Hackett [was] talking - this is Hackett, not me - about the Virgin Mary, a limerick sort of thing, and all these children and families ... the look of absolute horror. He's going on and on and on, and finally he stops. It's just total horror, and the camera's still rolling. You can hear it, sort of a grinding noise. And the director says, "Anything else, Bud?"

People usually go through a bad period when they first get successful. You're new and you're hot and things go wrong.

It's hard to be an artist. It's hard to be anything. It's hard to be.

I was at the New York Film Critics Circle Awards one year - they called me up when somebody canceled two days before the thing, and asked me to present some awards. So I went, and one of the funniest film moments I've ever had was when they introduced the New York film critics. They all stood up - motley isn't the word for that group. Everybody had some sort of vision problem, some sort of damage - I had to bury myself in my napkin.

Something wild can happen to anybody and I caution anybody that walks out on the street, just settle your accounts before you leave the house every day.

Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

We're Americans! Do you know what that means? It means our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world.