Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.

Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

Once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is.

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

You can present the material, but you can't make me care.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

I'd hate to have a kid like me.