CALVIN: When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.

I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.

I wonder where we go when we die?” “…Pittsburgh?” “You mean if we’re good or if we’re bad?

From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success... I'm just here to cash in.

I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?