Never trust people who've only got one book.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.