I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Never trust anybody with only one book.