As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.