Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

Don't die until you're dead.

The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.