If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.