Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.