Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it's like they're in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.