Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?