The reason I'm a psychologist is based in part on my telephone routines. Much of my humor comes out of reaction to what other people are saying. A psychologist is a man who listens, who is sympathetic.

Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, Why is that person staring at me?

Cell phones have gotten so small, you can't tell who's a cell phone user and who's a schizophrenic.

One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.

Marriage and fatherhood heighten the disillusion that we all think we are born handy. We confidently believe that we can fix things around the house, as if it's part of the collective brain that was further enhanced by eighth-grade shop class.

All I can say about life is, 'Oh God, enjoy it!'

I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.