Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?