Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.