Bob Saget Quotes

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

When you have a good time there is no time.

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

Valuable people are undervalued.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

I don't like the negative of reality tv - the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!

It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

I become a chameleon for wherever I am.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.

I will always prefer a hardback book, but I'm drawn to digital because it's so easy to acquire them when I'm having a need-to-read moment.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.