If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.