If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.