If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?