They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it's often in huge tits, too.

Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

Light up a spliff and hit the strip club.

Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club.

I recently read that Arnold Schwarzenegger collects Hummers. Now we know why Maria's face is frozen in that puckered position.

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.

I bet that the best thing about being a hermaphrodite is that you always get to use the bathroom with the shortest line.