They say that dog is man's best friend, and I think it's true. My dog does a lot of the same stuff my best friend does, like drool on my couch, mooch my food and hump my wife.

I recently read that Arnold Schwarzenegger collects Hummers. Now we know why Maria's face is frozen in that puckered position.

When you think about it, there is really a fine line between being a proctologist and just being a perverted ass-freak. And according to the judge who sentenced me, that line is called a 'medical degree'.

Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

Light up a spliff and hit the strip club.

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.

I bet that the best thing about being a hermaphrodite is that you always get to use the bathroom with the shortest line.