When you think about it, there is really a fine line between being a proctologist and just being a perverted ass-freak. And according to the judge who sentenced me, that line is called a 'medical degree'.

Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club.

I bet that the best thing about being a hermaphrodite is that you always get to use the bathroom with the shortest line.

Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

I recently read that Arnold Schwarzenegger collects Hummers. Now we know why Maria's face is frozen in that puckered position.

Light up a spliff and hit the strip club.

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.