Light up a spliff and hit the strip club.

Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

They say that dog is man's best friend, and I think it's true. My dog does a lot of the same stuff my best friend does, like drool on my couch, mooch my food and hump my wife.

Light up a spliff and hit the strip club.

Sure, companies say they're sensitive to their employees' cultural heritages, but show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace made from the ears of your vanquished enemies and all hell breaks loose.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it's often in huge tits, too.

I bet that the best thing about being a hermaphrodite is that you always get to use the bathroom with the shortest line.