Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.

They say that dog is man's best friend, and I think it's true. My dog does a lot of the same stuff my best friend does, like drool on my couch, mooch my food and hump my wife.

When you think about it, there is really a fine line between being a proctologist and just being a perverted ass-freak. And according to the judge who sentenced me, that line is called a 'medical degree'.

Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it's often in huge tits, too.

I recently read that Arnold Schwarzenegger collects Hummers. Now we know why Maria's face is frozen in that puckered position.