I admire ventriloquists, because I can't do that. I mean, I might get mistaken for a ventriloquist dummy every now and then, but I can't do what they do.

I don't know why you'd go to a comedian and say, "You know what? You have a large menu of items, but this one thing I did not like and therefore, you should be shut down. You should cease to make a living and you should be thrown out in the streets."

I don't know anything about you, so when you randomly come up and grab my ass, this isn't a friend doing it. It's like, "Who the f### is doing...? I was not expecting that."

I'm such a damn workaholic, that it's interesting to be like, "Oh, what do I do for fun?"

I'm in awe of comics that do things that I can't do, or haven't tried doing yet.

When a soldier of the night's watch dies they say, "And now his watch is over." That's what they say when a comedian dies. They go, "And now his tour is done."

If I make a joke about black people or Asian people or whatever, and then an Asian comes up to me afterwards and says, "That joke offended me," I'm still more or less not going to listen, but at least it makes sense, like I said something that was about them.