A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it's the punch line to a joke.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

You want a story? Read 'Gone With the Wind'. These aren't stories. They're joke books. The whole thing of a beginning, a middle and an end has been done to death.

If I have a talent for making some fourth-grader who hates school and reading to hate it a little less, then I have to do the most with what I've been issued.

Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.