My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.

Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60. I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.

I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.

Turns out, theres not a lot of information about pickles on the Internet.

My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.