Brian Posehn Quotes

My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.

Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60. I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.

Because I go outside sometimes, I'm exposed to terrible, terrible music in public.

My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

Guys don't do that when they go out. Guys don't wear outfits that feature the dong.

I was such a weird kid. The really hardcore stuff like Venom - I was totally aware of them, and I listened to some of it - but they actually frightened me.

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom.

Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.

Turns out, theres not a lot of information about pickles on the Internet.

We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

As a comic, I used to know more about pop culture.

When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.

I don't know if I was a poseur - I really did love metal, always - but I gave a lot of other things a chance. I wanted to meet, um, girls, so I would check out Depeche Mode. But mostly I wanted stuff with pentagrams and crowns of thorns on it.

Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.

I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.

I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.

If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.

Metal is easily my favorite thing - Exodus and Anthrax and Megadeth - so it just kind of organically came through in the standup act.

I love metal songs about metal. That's one of my favorite things. Nobody does that any more. Nobody sings about how metal they are, or about their fans, or about how crazy their pits are.

I got into Kiss before I got into anybody. The first thing I heard was Detroit Rock City. I heard it in the school library, where I lived.

Once I could drive, I spent all my time in the city going to metal shows. I missed the first couple of Metallica shows because I was lame. By the time I got into them, they were playing places like the Kabuki.

I wanted to be a vet before I got into comedy, but then once I found out how much gore goes into that job, I wanted nothing to do with it.

Just got a new car - got a little Miata convertible. Pretty happy about it, except for one thing: I'm 6-foot-6, so now I look like a McDonald's toy.

I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.

Whenever you see riot footage on TV - you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle - you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the aggression out of the act.