Because I go outside sometimes, I'm exposed to terrible, terrible music in public.

Guys don't do that when they go out. Guys don't wear outfits that feature the dong.

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom.

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.

I got into Kiss before I got into anybody. The first thing I heard was Detroit Rock City. I heard it in the school library, where I lived.

My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.