I need some kind of... like... last minute, poorly-set-up deus ex machina!!

‎All my stupid little thoughts beget stupid little thoughts, rampantly speculating every possible outcome of every possible situation until they're all done to death and none of them could ever be true.

Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it. I would punch your life in the face.

Okay, this might sound vague, but do you know this one girl with hair like this?

Bryan Lee O'Malley has been alive since he was born and will lives until he dies.

Listen to this, okay? Just listen. You hear that? That's market bacon hitting the pan. Today a child is born unto us, and his name will be bacon.

Scott: I don't think I'm ready to be a grown-up. Kim: I don't think you are either, buddy. But hey, you'll get it. It just takes practice.