There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.