Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.

If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it